by | November 12, 2012 · 8:50 pm

The gales of November (7 months tomorrow)

November is notoriously fickle in Minnesota. The National Weather Service lists it as our gloomiest month (sunshine 39% or less than 11 days of 30). We had the Armistice Day blizzard on November 11, 1940 that killed 49 people in Minnesota alone, and 145 total deaths in the affected region. That day started out mild with some clouds, some drizzle towards noon and finally slashing wind, plummeting temperature, and close to two feet of snow falling in under 24 hours in some areas. In other areas, the snowdrifts topped 30 feet. The Edmund Fitzgerald sank on November 10, 1975 during a near-hurricane-force gale, immortalized in song by Gordon Lightfoot. Very large temperature swings occur. The daily average high and low temperatures drop almost a degree per day. Just this past Sunday, we had two EF-0 tornadoes on the ground about four miles south of me. Thankfully, no one was hurt although there was some damage to houses and cars. All I had here was some 20 – 25 mph wind gusts. Saturday was sunny, warm, and 69°F. Today (Monday) was overcast, blustery and a high of 26°F and a low (so far) of 19°F. The Minnesota Climatology Office has a list of the worst Minnesota storms. Notice how many fall in November.

Tomorrow marks seven months since Lucy died and Wednesday would have been my brother Robert’s 44th birthday. Going through the grief process is like going through November in Minnesota. For most part, it is dull and cold with a clamminess that cuts to one’s soul. The storms come quickly, harshly and with no warning leaving one damp, shivering, weakened, and miserable. But there are days similar to last Saturday where warmth and light reign for a few precious hours. Those hours are enough to dry off, warm up, and gather enough strength to keep moving forward.

Never underestimate the power of even a small kindness. A smile is a ray of sunlight cutting through the gloom. A hug is a break in the clouds with warmth and light. Letting someone know you care lifts that person off the ground. Combine all three and a person can weather an impending storm. Love is very powerful stuff. There will be many stormy days ahead, but eventually the grief calendar will start a new month with the promise of spring on the horizon. It only seems like the calendar is measuring months on Pluto rather than Earth.

If I may, I would like to ask a personal favor. Please keep Steve, Suzy, and Julie in your thoughts and prayers this holiday season. This will be the second Thanksgiving without Betty, but the first without Lucy and Bob. They are such wonderful people and I am very blessed to have them in my life. Give them some sunshine and warmth to help them get through their grief November.

I miss so many things about Lucy, but the hugs and cuddling are what I miss the most, and it’s been the hardest adjustment to make. If the weather is as cold in your part of the world as it is here, cuddle if you have someone. Aw heck, cuddle even if it isn’t cold!

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by | October 21, 2012 · 6:38 pm

“Ride my See-Saw”

I keep thinking of the old Moody Blues song when I look at the weather forecasts in October and March. This week is going to get progressively colder. The only good thing about it is we could pick up some rain.

Today started with the furnace running and ended with the windows open. I managed to tweak my shoulder dealing with the kitchen window so my yard work plans were scrapped. It was nice enough to get a short walk in at Nine Mile Creek and Central Park. However, the shoulder tweak also made hiking a bit bothersome, so I ultimately ended up in the porch. It will be fine in a couple of days.

Halloween is fast approaching, though I have seen several stores Christmas displays already. I’m still trying to think of a costume for Gerry’s party next Saturday night. Lucy and I couldn’t make it last year as her anemia was getting bad and her white counts were dropping. The year before we went dressed in scrubs. Lucy had found a really cute Halloween scrub top which fit her perfectly. I’m open for suggestions.

For those of you who will be seeing cooler temperatures this week, take advantage of a little cuddling, especially if you have kids. My great-uncle Olai used to say that as you got older, life got mean. Life gets mean at times, but we can stand up to the meanness with the love of our family and friends. Despite how difficult it is, tell your loved ones that you care and make sure your hugs are meaningful. I know that is tough with tweens. Share a smile and a laugh with your friends. Brightening someone’s day is a very special gift and you get something special in return.

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by | October 13, 2012 · 9:48 am

Six months (100th posting)

Today marks six months since Lucy passed away. The 80% chance of rain as of last night looks more like a 100% chance of wind and overcast so I will be making a trip to the cemetery today. I still love her and I still miss her. That won’t change.

I’m doing better. I went on a leave of absence at work, which has now become my resignation. As much as I liked my boss, the stress levels I ordinarily handled with ease became insurmountable. I wasn’t ready to go back to work, plain and simple.

At this point if I do go back to work, it probably will not be in an information technology (IT) related field. Rebuilding a life is tough enough without having to rebuild a career for the sixth time. IT changes a lot. When I started in 1980 there were few video display units, punch cards and magnetic tape reels were portable off line storage, mainframes has kilobytes of memory, and 80 Mb “cake box” removable disk packs were $13,000.00 each in bulk. As the technology evolved, the programming languages evolved. I could count on having to learn some exotic new language about every five years. The only constant language was profanity and it is quite universal among developers. I was trying to learn five new technologies at once under deadlines. Perhaps that is best left for the younger crowd. Yet the part I loved about IT was always learning something new and solving challenges. I’ll reassess after New Year’s Day.

I’m still adjusting to solo life. The insomnia is retreating, I’m eating OK, and I’m trying to walk and hike when possible. The weather changes are really causing my knees to let me know I’m not 15 anymore. I have a number of home improvement projects that will keep me busy for a couple of years and I have an extensive collection of books to read. Boredom will not be an issue.

One of the stranger adjustments has been the coupon offers. Lucy was a bargain hunter and we would get a number of buy one get one (BOGO) free offers. Today I received one from Caribou Coffee. If I were to drink two small turtle mochas today, I would be bouncing off the walls until Tuesday. The BOGO meals work out well because I get 2 – 3 days of meals from them. They are a reminder of how lucky I was to have someone to share the offers with on a daily basis. At least I haven’t gained back huge amounts of weight.

Dropping the stress levels to levels that are more manageable has helped me to refocus on healing. Part of the healing is counting blessings. I’m blessed that so many people cared about Lucy. I am very blessed to have you reading this blog because it means you have stuck with me through this journey when the going got tough and to know you care. I’m extremely blessed to have special people who make me smile and brighten my day.

All of us have acquaintances, family, friends and close friends that make our lives better. I can count my closest friends on my left hand and still have my inter-vehicle communication finger (or trigger finger in California) free. Quality is always better than quantity. It’s nice to know those people choose being your life rather than having to be part of your life. C. S. Lewis states this so eloquently as “affection” in “The Four Loves”. Read it for something that stimulates thought and helps make sense of the most complex of human emotions.

For those of you fortunate to have someone special close by, take a moment to tell that person (or persons if you have children) that you care. One can never get too much positive reinforcement. If hugs aren’t awkward or uncomfortable, give a meaningful hug or six. Share a smile with the world. You could brighten the day for someone who needs it.

Thank you for making my world better.

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by | September 9, 2012 · 4:21 pm

“Silent No More” walk and hiatus time

I made it through the “Silent No More” walk yesterday. It was tough. Last year I did it with the love of my life. This year I did it for the love of my life. The turnout was good, well over a thousand people just for the 2K walk and probably that many again for the 5K run. I couldn’t get any pictures because I was too emotional. The ironic part was how alone one can feel in a crowd. I lost sight of the fact that just because no one is standing next to you doesn’t mean no one cares. Sorry about that.

Thank you for you encouragement and support. I know a few of you wanted to take part but could not. I understand and I’m very thankful you considered joining me. If any of you have participated in the past, you know that the survivors wear teal shirts and the rest of us white shirts. With all the advances made in cancer care, it is still sad to realize that some of the people wearing teal shirts this year won’t be among us next year, and that some of those wearing white will next year wear teal. Ovarian cancer doesn’t get the clever shirts or wristbands that help generate money and it affects a smaller percentage of the population. I hope for a cure for breast cancer so more research dollars can go towards ovarian cancer eradication.

The calendar still says summer but the gardens are saying that it’s fall. I cut back the woody raspberry canes so the green ones will bear more berries next year (even though the Japanese beetles will destroy most of them). The shrub roses are happier now that they aren’t a constant source of bug food. Lucy’s Canadian lilac is doing its unusual second bloom for the tenth year in a row. It is odd seeing lilacs in September. I finally have morning glories after several years of trying, but I lost nearly all of my lilies to the damned chipmunks and squirrels.

Of course, the days are getting shorter, the nights have a crispness not felt in several months, and the highs aren’t in the 90’s as often. Lucy would be spending every evening in the porch enjoying the quiet. It was her cabin without the four hour drive. More changes in the air.

The blog is going on hiatus for a while. I don’t know for how long. It’s been extremely hard for me to find anything positive as of late. Thursday will mark five months since Lucy passed away and each month cuts a little deeper. Losing three people I loved deeply in less than a year has not helped. The new job has definitely not helped. There have been a dizzying number of changes, not all of them positive. Relationships have changed, not all for the better. There is a lot to sort through, and the brain is still foggy and slow. The emotional side says everything is doom and gloom even though the rational side says it isn’t. I need to get those two to STFU and play nice again.

I am blessed to have all of you support me through these dark days. I am eternally grateful to those of you who went far above and beyond for me. I will still be there for people when they need me, that hasn’t changed. I know things will turn around, but it takes time. All it takes are some positive changes to occur. Those of you who are close to me know I will move heaven and hell to keep my word. I promise I’ll be back and I hope you’ll wait patiently to read my musings.

Give your loved ones a meaningful hug today. You’ll brighten that person’s day beyond words. Tell them you care about them. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.

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by | August 19, 2012 · 12:02 am

Remembering Betty at One Year

To describe the past twelve months as annus horribilis would be an understatement. Today marks one year since my mother-in-law left this life.

Betty made my life better by being part of it. I had the opposite of a stereotypical sitcom mother-in-law. Betty accepted me. She was warm and engaging and enjoyed spending time with her family.

Lucy and I made quite a few trips “up north” while we were together. We could count on a four-hour drive each way (though it dropped to three-and-a-half hours after Minnesota 33 was redone in Cloquet and completion of the Highway 2 overpass). It meant we would pull in after 10:00 pm on a Friday and we would have to start the return trip by 2:00 pm on Sunday. We would always have a warm greeting waiting for us when we arrived. That made the trip worthwhile. It was also nice to unwind in a setting that was so peaceful and beautiful. Northern Minnesota’s natural beauty is second to none.

Along with a warm greeting, there would usually be fresh-baked treats. Scents of blueberry pie (when in season), cardamom bread, or home-made bread would waft through the house. Getting out of a car at -35°F and walking into a warm house with bread fresh from the oven is an indescribable treat. I swear I gained three pounds every trip we made back home.

Lucy’s love of reading and poetry came from Betty. Betty’s taste in fiction was broad. I remember seeing several Rod McKuen poetry books on the bookshelf. Suzy told us at Bob’s funeral that Bob and Betty would go the library a lot after Bob retired. She would browse for a couple of novels to check out while Bob would read the local papers.

Betty was also an artist. Lucy had saved some sketches Betty had drawn in letters to Lucy. Betty also painted a few watercolors. Barns were a favorite subject. She was also quite the photographer, another talent Lucy inherited. I once had a high school art teacher tell me the only thing I would ever draw well was criticism, so I do appreciate the talent and time Betty put into her creative ventures.

While Lucy was doing her family history research, she received a treasure trove of information from her aunt Kay. Included in the hundreds of pages of information were a couple of articles Betty wrote for some local history books. The articles were very well written, informative and entertaining.

With all of Betty’s interests, talents and skills, she made time to be an outstanding mother to four children. The love they were raised with molded them into caring and compassionate adults. That love is now passed on to their children.

She may not have been my biological mother, but she was my second mom. It’s been a year, and I still miss Betty. A lot has happened since then, some good, some tragic. It’s easy for a family to stick together during good times. She would be proud of how her children have stuck together during the adversities.

 

With all of Betty’s interests, talents and skills, she made time to be an outstanding mother to four children. The love they were raised with molded them into caring and compassionate adults. That love is now passed on to their children.

She may not have been my biological mother, but she was my second mom. It’s been a year, and I still miss Betty. A lot has happened since then, some good, some tragic. It’s easy for a family to stick together during good times. She would be proud of how her children have stuck together during the adversities.

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