by | December 26, 2012 · 7:22 pm

‘Twas the night after Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone. The gifts are opened, the meals enjoyed, the dishes done (or mostly done), and for many of us, our travels are completed…until the stores open for after Christmas bargain shopping, returns, and preparing for the New Year’s party. I tip my hat to those of you in retail that made it through the day today. I also hope that everyone had a happy and safe Christmas.

I spent Christmas Eve at my brother’s place in Goodhue. My parents also made the trip from southwestern Minnesota. John and Nina hosted a very nice gathering. There were new foods to enjoy and a lot of laughter to share.

My nephew Jake was there and introduced us to his girlfriend. It’s hard to believe he’s old enough to date someone much less having a driver’s license. I also found out my friend Kelleen’s daughter Amanda is engaged. In both cases, the Romans would have shaken their heads and muttered “tempus fugit” which roughly translates to “time flees”. Albert Einstein once explained the theory of relativity by saying “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.” The happy times seem to fly by so quickly while the unhappy times drag on for an eternity.

Christmas Day was my day of solitude. It wasn’t a long, sad day and I got through it. I visited Lucy at the cemetery and saw there were very few human tracks besides mine in the whole cemetery. Dawn Valley is only about 30 acres so I can see just about the whole area from the roads through the cemetery. There were deer tracks at nearly every grave that had a wreath or flowers placed. It was also one of the few times I have been there when there has been no breeze. That was a blessing since the temperature was only about 10°F at 4:00 in the afternoon. Suzy called last night to chat, which I appreciated. It was so different without Lucy actually being with me.

I met my cousin Julie for breakfast today. We went to Jensen’s Cafe in Burnsville. It was my first time there, and I was surprised at how huge the servings are and how steady the business was, although parking sucks. I haven’t had a chance to see her since Lucy’s funeral so it was nice getting almost caught up. I have a couple of friends I hope to catch up with next month.

Technology has allowed us to stay connected to loved ones, at least when the technology works. There was quite the uproar over Netflix having a several hour outage on Christmas Eve. Working technology has allowed us to reconnect with friends and family living thousands of miles away. I am quite grateful for those advances. Email is nice, but seeing a live smile is better. Phone calls are more personal, but a face-to-face conversation is still so much better. Skype and other video communication services come close, but can’t transmit a handshake, a hug, or a kiss. There is something intangible about human contact that technology will never match.

Take a few minutes to set aside the shiny new Christmas present device (or the not-so-new device) and hug a loved one. In my area of the world, it is cold enough where a hug warms a person on the outside, too. That’s why someone invented the pause button!

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by | December 13, 2012 · 5:09 pm

“Ordinary World” (8 months today)

I’ve mentioned before that Lucy enjoyed music. Two of her favorite songs were by Duran Duran, “Come Undone” and “Ordinary World“. Simon LeBon, the lead singer of Duran Duran, wrote “Ordinary World” in memory of a friend. The lyrics are both wistful and hopeful, what you would expect after losing someone close and trying to rebuild a life without that person.

Even after eight months, the world is still not ordinary, but it’s a lot less cold and dark. Much of that is attributable to one amazing person and several wonderful people. At this point, the new ordinary is a world with almost no joy and fleeting happiness but I’m adjusting to it OK. I still miss Lucy, and I always will.

Joy and passion are inexorably intertwined. My career in software development lasted as long as it did because I was passionate about quality development. Development requires a great deal of creativity and creativity blooms from passion fueled by joy. As such, I won’t re-enter the software development industry any time soon. It’s hard to do a great job when one’s heart isn’t in it and I refuse to merely put in time or be a burden on a development team.

Perhaps that sounds much dourer than it really is. Lucy spoiled me in the years we were together, and I spoiled her in return. I cannot remember a day I spent with her where I was not happy, and joy filled nearly all our days together. Looking back over the past 240+ days since her passing, I can count one day of joy and maybe a dozen with happiness. The rest of them are just days, though thankfully only a few can count as bad days and a few could actually count as good days. I had to adjust expectations for the first time in many years. It’s part of the healing process. The landscape has completely changed and I am learning my way around and finding new landmarks. Happiness is a faint glow on the distant horizon that gets a bit brighter as I plug away at moving forward.

Of course, there are positives. I am thrilled for my friend Gerry after the birth of his fourth grandchild earlier this morning. Lucy’s cousin Chris is waiting on the birth of her first grandchild in late March and perhaps some of her stories will be in “The Minnesota Farm Woman” blog. I also reconnected with a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of years and had quite a bit of fun despite my newly acquired anxiety of crowded places and each of us changing our appearance over the past few years. There have also been friends and family starting new jobs, moving to new homes, or becoming newlyweds. It’s been a very busy few weeks. I wish all of them well on their new endeavors.

I finished the house decorating. I’m finishing off a couple Christmas letters to get the last of the Christmas cards in the mail. It’s hard to believe, but the kitchen is presentable after the whirlwind of baking. Getting housework done is still a challenge. My hat is off to the single parent maintaining a full- time job, a house, and a child or several.

The 10.7″ snowfall Saturday night has settled a bit because of some above freezing days and sunshine. We are expecting another round Saturday. This may start as freezing rain with some ice accumulation first. I hope the forecast is wrong, as I would rather deal with a foot of snow than a tenth of an inch of ice.

Christmas plans are always fluid because of weather. Lucy would have her Christmas shopping nearly completed by Labor Day. I’m still trying to figure out what people want. Plans and presents should be closer to finalized in another week.

My biggest accomplishment was baking some traditional Christmas goodies that Lucy (primarily) and I would make every year. I managed to do so without burning the house down, having a profanity-laced tirade, or creating a hazardous materials incident. I made enough to share with Julie and Suzy. None of us required emergency care after ingesting the piirakkas or red velvet cupcakes. I do have to admit that for the cupcakes I broke down and bought Betty Crocker Buttery Frosting rather than make a creme cheese frosting. I’ll chalk it up as a win. Hey, they’re still talking to me…I think (just kidding!)

Take some time during the hubbub of the season to rejoice in the ordinary. Be thankful for a routine and navigating a familiar landscape. Life can still be an adventure that does not need exotic surroundings. Give your loved ones a meaningful hug and thank you for your time.

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Filed under family, music, rebuilding, weather

by | November 25, 2012 · 8:12 pm

Transitions and Traditions

It is the holiday season in the United States. We celebrated our Thanksgiving Day on Thursday. Christmas and New Year’s Day are roughly four and five weeks away, respectively. These holidays are traditionally the most family oriented. Loved ones from far and near gather to celebrate and to feel once again the warmth and love of family.

Those families likely have traditions as part of their celebrations. The smell of familiar foods wafting from the kitchen, a sports event or favorite holiday movie playing on the television, singing, reciting stories or poetry, or perhaps the making of an ethnic recipe handed down from generation to generation are part of the tradition. The familiarities of the traditions are what make the holidays special.

Loss of a loved one disrupts those traditions. There is one less chair at the holiday table, one less smile in the crowd, one less laugh filling the air, and one less person to hug. Decorating the house is different. Perhaps there is one less function to attend. Perhaps there may be fewer memories and fewer stories from years gone by retold by an elder family member. A traditional recipe may go unmade. Each of us has an important role in family traditions.

The first holiday without a loved one is the hardest. Part of the healing process is a transition period where we learn how to move forward without our loved one physically present. Traditions change either subtly or radically as part of that transition. Sometimes several family members share a role. Sometimes a role remains unfilled.

I am very lucky. I spent Thanksgiving with most of my family and spent a wonderful Saturday with Lucy’s cousin and sisters. I missed Lucy, Bob, and Betty, but I also had Annette, Julie, and Suzy giving me smiles and hugs and we all shared laughter. It was the best day I had in several months.

Decorating the house for Christmas has been a story in its own right. That was Lucy’s domain and she always did a phenomenal job with it. I decorated the outside but she decorated the inside. I know now she was very creative at finding places to store ornaments and decorations. Last year, in the time it took me to get the tree into the basement, she magically managed to put away all the decorations and ornaments despite needing a walker. She continues being extraordinary even after her passing.

It took a lot longer to decorate the tree this year. Lucy would normally put the lights up during the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and then put the ornaments and decorations on the next day. I think she wanted to see the tree with just the lights on for inspiration.

I got the tree up on Saturday and lights put on today (Sunday). Part of the delay was because I had to find where Lucy stored the decorations. In the process of discovery, I found she had kept every Christmas card we had received through the years, well over 500 of them. Those holiday cards were a time capsule containing memories. Some of the cards had either lengthy inscriptions or letters detailing the joys and sorrows of the previous year. Others contained photographs showing growing families. I was lucky I had a wonderful Saturday or these finds would have been very emotionally draining.

In keeping with Lucy’s tradition, the lights and the tree topper are on the tree. The ornaments and decorations will go on tomorrow after the tree hints how it would like to be decorated. I’m glad I did it because it makes the house feel a little cozier.

Lucy always bought two Amaryllis bulbs every year so she would have something in bloom at Christmas. She never wanted to try over-summering the bulbs because it was so easy to buy new plants that were ready to bloom. One was pink and the other red and white. Three weeks after her funeral, both plants had wilted leaves. I cut the leaves back and put the plants in the basement near the furnace where they would receive very little light. On Halloween, I brought the bulbs upstairs. The pink one planted in rocks was OK, but the red and white one planted in peat showed signs of fungus. I’m not sure if the pink one will bloom, but it does have four leaves on it each over two feet long. I bought a smaller Red Lion bulb with two flower stalks on it just in case, and it is also planted in rocks. Amaryllis bulbs can be rejuvenated for several years so I am anxious to see if I can make this work.

Lucy and her sisters would make piirakkas (Lucy’s family recipe is slightly different) sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. She and I would make our own small batch just after Christmas. I managed to get pretty good at making the rice porridge filling without destroying the kitchen or scorching the saucepan. The recipe kept the two of us busy for a couple of hours. I may take a whack at trying it solo. If you read about an incident in Bloomington requiring the fire department and hazardous waste disposal, you’ll know my attempt didn’t go so smoothly ☺. Lucy and I would also make a batch of Finnish flat bread using her Aunt Kay’s recipe.

Enjoy your family traditions during your holiday season. Remember those who are could not make it, or those who have passed away, with love and affection. May your hearts be filled with love and happiness this season and in seasons to come!

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by | November 22, 2012 · 10:35 am

Let us give thanks

Today is Thanksgiving Day here in the United States. It is a day set aside to give thanks for the blessing bestowed on us. The tryptophan torpor, sport spectaculars and “Black Friday”, shopping planning are fairly modern side effects, though I would love to see the latter relegated to history’s trash can.

I have so much for which I am thankful despite how much 2012 has been awful. The most important blessing I am thankful for was my time with Lucy. I was so fortunate to be married to her for almost 24 years and our being together for 28 years. I will treasure that time for the remainder of my existence in this world.

I am very thankful for the love and support everyone has offered me. I am especially thankful for the special people who were there for me during the worst time in my life, who offered compassion and strength when I needed it most, and who helped start my healing process. Marilyn Monroe once said “But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” Thank you for putting up with me.

I am thankful for the people who are sacrificing a holiday to server others: soldiers, police, firefighters, health care professionals, volunteers. It is gratifying that you are putting others first.

This year I am thankful the weather is cooperating, at least until early afternoon. We set a record high of 60°F very early this morning (the old record was 59°F set in 1998 for the curious; the “pioneer” record high was 60°F set in 1867), but will see a sharp drop in temp with a strong northwest wind later. Those of you on the road today should keep an eye on the weather and stay safe. It’s time for me to get on the road. I’m heading to John’s for Thanksgiving. Mom and Dad are there and Jacob will be over this morning. Jim can’t break away from his business venture.

Enjoy time with your loved ones. Chris and Dave, enjoy your time volunteering. Be thankful for your family, friends, and loved ones.

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by | November 20, 2012 · 10:07 pm

Lost in Translation

No, this isn’t about the Bill Murray movie from several years back. This started with a gleeful Facebook post which resulted in me trying to find a recipe for tater tot hotdish, which resulted in me finding a piece of notepaper Lucy left in the recipe box with a couple of Finnish phrases on it. Lucy was extremely proud of her Finnish heritage. She had the two phrases written out with a brief description of what sort of wall hanging contained each statement. She had seen these in one of three places: Finnish Gifts in downtown Minneapolis, Bergquist Imports in Cloquet, MN or Irma’s Finland House in Virginia, MN.

The first phrase was “Ota hymy huuleen ja juoksee vastatuuleen”. She had written “Smile and run against the wind” as a translation. Google Translate indicated “Take a smile on the lip and runs into the wind”.

On the back page was “Siunaa Jeesus ruokamme, ole aina luonamme“. Lucy’s translation was “Dear Jesus, Thank you for our food and be present with us always.” Google Translate came up with something puzzling: “Jesus will bless our food, not always with us”. The subtlety of language comes into play. This is why auto-correct features are unintentionally hilarious or painfully vexing.

Google is a huge corporation. They have many brilliant minds working for them and advanced technology at their disposal. Something as simple as a before meal prayer still proves problematic for computerized translation, but a human translator has an easy time.  Words can have multiple meanings and definitions depending on context. A machine will try to use algorithms, which parse words and then assign a weighting factor to determine probable usage. All that sentence diagramming we were subjected to in middle school was not for naught.

The Chinese proverb “A picture is worth ten thousand words” is quite appropriate thousands of years later. Brilliant writers can “paint with words” in ways that I cannot, but even they get hindered by the sterility of purely written words. A human reader can remember passages that were a few words, sentences, paragraphs or chapters back, which help convey mood and context. A machine will look at a preceding word, the preceding sentence, and the current one. Even today, how many times has an email or note from someone caused the wrong reaction because even though the grammar and usage was correct, the intention was lost? How many times have passages been “taken out of context” to prove or disprove a thesis?

Take the three word phrase “I love you.” The phrase is easily translated into hundreds of languages.  No problem with meaning, right? C. S. Lewis very artfully demonstrated the difficulties of expressing emotion through language in “The Four Loves“. Love, while seemingly a simple concept is an extremely complex emotion with many different contexts. For example, Marcy is married, has a child, both parents still living, several siblings, and many friends. Even though Marcy will say “I love you” to her spouse, child, parents, siblings, and friends, there is a different form of love expressed using the same words.

In addition to words, humans will use tonality, inflection, and expressions to help convey meaning. We’ve seen movies where one buddy will slur “I love ya” before the copious quantities of alcoholic libations previously consumed are unceremoniously liberated and/or unconsciousness. “I love you” spoken to a spouse can have different meanings depending on mood. The degree of love between two people can differ. Romantic comedies have used a variation of A loves B madly, B loves A not as much (or at all), hilarity ensues while equilibrium establishes or fails, and all the loose ends tidy up in about 105 minutes. Affection, or caring, or adoration, or comradery:  it’s still those three words, “I love you”.

The visual and audible cues are very important. How do we determine if a person is angry or pretending, sincere or lying, happy or putting on a brave face? We try to “read” a person’s clues in their voice, eyes, mouth, nose, neck, posture. People with certain spectral disorders lack the ability to pick up those cues, and some sociopaths have the ability to “fake” these cues on demand. Without those cues, we are subject to misinterpretation. Some people were uneasy watching “The Polar Express” because the available cutting edge Computer Generated Imagery (CGI) failed to adequately capture facial expressions. Compare those characters to a newer CGI film like “Avatar” and notice the more life-like facial expressions.

Make it simpler for your loved ones. Find time to ota hymy huuleen ja juoksee vastatuuleen when there is no risk for frostbite. Be genuine with your hugs and tell your loved ones that you care. Give them as many cues as you can. There is elegance in simplicity especially in a fast-paced and complex world.

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